DonAithnen (donaithnen) wrote,

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Several people have told me that they think Caithris was foolish for dumping me, implying that i'm a wonderful person and it was stupid of her to let go of someone like me. I find it very ironic that the majority of the people who have said that have been people who have themselves dumped me in the past.

(Of course for every person who's told me recently what a nice person i am, there's been at least one in the past who's told me that i'm an annoying git, and one has to wonder about all the people who never said anything to my face but seemed to do their best to avoid me.)

So were they lying to make me feel better? Or just not acknowledging that actual love is necessary above and beyond worth? Or in some bad cases instead of worth, although i'd like to hope that wasn't true with me.

If it's the second, i guess it would mean that i'm a good catch in theory, just not in practice? That's kind of depressing, especially since i don't seem to attract many females just by my surface merrits.

The egotistical part of me would like to believe that although i'm boring and unatractive on the surface, once people get to know me they realize that i'm kind and sweet and understanding. Of course some more cynical people have taken the same basic view, but described it as me being a doormat instead.

But in any case, such a view at least gave me hope that i kept getting rejected because of those surface traits, and if i could just convince someone to take the time to get to know me they'd appreciate me.

Apparently however people start out thinking i'm an unatractive nuisance, then they get to know me better and realize under that that i'm a nice person and they wouldn't mind dating me, and then get to know me even better and realize that under that they want to dump me.

So what was the case with Caithris? Did she stop loving me? Or did she decide i just wasn't worth it? The dark part of me of course expects that it was both. The optimistic side of me likes to hope that she still loves me, or at least could again, and the real problem was something wrong with me, something that i could fix. The only problem is figuring out what, figuring out how to fix it, and then convincing her to reevaluate me.

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