July 9th, 2001



I talked to Allyn about a lot of things last night. One of the subjects that came up was that when she was talking to Morna earlier, the two of them agreed that there have been women who I've been interested in with whom a lot more could have happened if I'd been more forward.

I'm not sure what to think about that. They don't actually know these people, or the things that happened between us. In all the cases they said or did things that seemed to me to clearly indicate that they weren't interested in anything very serious with me. Morna and Allyn think they did things that indicated they might have been interested in more if I'd been pushier about it.

I don't know if I want to be pushy about relationships, that's always bothered me in other guys, _especially_ with Bricriu. Aren't there enough pushy guys already? Can't some of us get pushed at?

I don't like getting rejected, it hurts. Every time I've fallen in love with someone and pursued them I've gotten hurt. With both Allyn and Morna I waited until there were clear signs from them that they were interested in me before allowing myself to feel anything for them, and other than the involvement of a certain person, I've been very happy with both those relationships, so what's wrong with continuing to do things that way?

Becoming interested in someone and then trying to convince them to be interested in me in return is so difficult and so fraught with pain.
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