April 19th, 2001


it's late

Well, not really, but I need to get to sleep early tonight, because I'm planning on going to a club tomorrow night. That's right, I'm staying out late thursday night, seeing how much I can screw up my life.

Another night of dancing to the rythem in my head, hoping that someone will notice me, trying to exhaust myself until I don't care about anything anymore. Until I'm not really even dancing anymore, just moving my body in the way necessary to keep myself from impacting on the floor.

Work was okay today, once again, I got some work done, but not enough. Slowly falling further and further behind schedule. If I can ever get myself back on track mentally, I'm gonna have to put in some time in the evenings or over the weekend to make up for the past week or two.

I didn't go rollerblading today, I've been trying to do that during lunch. It was cloudy today though, which means that going rollerblading without my shirt would have been pointless, since there would be no sun to get a tan, and it just seemed like too much work. Okay, that was probably just an excuse for my lazy and depressed side to grab onto =)

Part of me keeps hoping that if I lose about twenty pounds and get a tan, that maybe someone will think I'm attractive.

Maybe that's kinda dumb, I still probably wouldn't be attractive, and even if I were more so when I was in better shape, it would probably just help me find superficial relationships.

At this point though, maybe a superficial relationship would be good. Most of the more meaningfull relationship I try to develop end in "you're a really nice guy, and you deserve someone wonderfull, but I don't want to go out with you."

Maybe someone who was just interested in the superficial wouldn't notice whatever "wonderfull" quality it is about me that makes so many girls run away.

Really need to go sleep now, if I'm going to be any good at work today or friday.
  • Current Music
    "Drops of Jupiter" is still stuck in my head