April 18th, 2001


(no subject)

Work went better today. Not great, but better. Managed to reach that state for awhile where I forget about my life and feel okay.

I do sometimes worry about my lack of ability to stay focused though. I got some serious work done for awhile in this state, but then after awhile started getting distracted by minesweeper and the like.

It takes something really serious to get me permenatly focused for more than an half hour or so. Well, focused on something that isn't fun that is.

I'm tired now, but it's one of those weird tired states. The point where it feels like you're on the edge of some revelation about the basic nature of reality. Where it seems like you're seeing the universe clearly, and only the fog of your brain is keeping you from communicating that knowledge, either to others, or to your future self through memories.

You want to stay like this forever, just stay awake, and keep this knowledge, even though you can't construct a sentence worth a damn when you're like this =)

You know however that eventually the feeling will fade, and any insight gained, whether illusory or real, will be lost when true tiredness sets in.

Is it worth being in this state, when you know that you'll never be able to take it with you?

I feel like i am in total control of my mind. I can hear things that would normally hurt me, and just laugh and go on. It's probably not really control though, probably just my brain being in a weird state, and not really registering depressing things correctly. It feels like if I wanted, I could change the state of my brain at will, but why would I want to change it out of this happy state? Which of course begs the question, could I actually do it if for some reason I wanted to? Or is it like an addict saying that they can stop at any time?

I feel almost like I am so depressed that I am happy again. Like my life is so messed up, that it could not possibly get any worse (knowing of course that it easily could, losing my job would only start the list of possibilites.)

At this point, more pain can not hurt, I can shrug it off like I could at no other time. If everything sucks so bad, then nothing matters really, and I can by happy. Almost like my mood is an char that hit -128, and yet some flaw in the wiring allowed it to try and subtract one more, sending it shooting up to 127, and making everything seem bright and cheery in a perversely dark and twisted way.

I love Kialyn, and she doesn't want to have anything to do with me! Woohoo! Morna is probably off busy having sex with Bricriu right now, if they haven't already collapsed from exhaustion! Woohoo! I can not find a girl who cares about me and wants to love me! Woohoo! I know my job almost by rote, and feel like I would be incapable of handling or learning anything else! Woohoo!

Nothing matters. Everything is wrong, so everything is right.

It is almost unfortunate that I will start feeling better about things at some point. Becuase then I will have to cross that magic barrier again, and life will hurt again. Almost better to stay depressed to the point of joy forever.

But it will happen, there is nothing I can do about it, but not think about it while I can.

Now to sleep, perchance to avoid reality for another few hours.
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