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10 July 2004 @ 07:41 pm
Whining  

Several people have told me that they think Caithris was foolish for dumping me, implying that i'm a wonderful person and it was stupid of her to let go of someone like me. I find it very ironic that the majority of the people who have said that have been people who have themselves dumped me in the past.

(Of course for every person who's told me recently what a nice person i am, there's been at least one in the past who's told me that i'm an annoying git, and one has to wonder about all the people who never said anything to my face but seemed to do their best to avoid me.)

So were they lying to make me feel better? Or just not acknowledging that actual love is necessary above and beyond worth? Or in some bad cases instead of worth, although i'd like to hope that wasn't true with me.

If it's the second, i guess it would mean that i'm a good catch in theory, just not in practice? That's kind of depressing, especially since i don't seem to attract many females just by my surface merrits.

The egotistical part of me would like to believe that although i'm boring and unatractive on the surface, once people get to know me they realize that i'm kind and sweet and understanding. Of course some more cynical people have taken the same basic view, but described it as me being a doormat instead.

But in any case, such a view at least gave me hope that i kept getting rejected because of those surface traits, and if i could just convince someone to take the time to get to know me they'd appreciate me.

Apparently however people start out thinking i'm an unatractive nuisance, then they get to know me better and realize under that that i'm a nice person and they wouldn't mind dating me, and then get to know me even better and realize that under that they want to dump me.

So what was the case with Caithris? Did she stop loving me? Or did she decide i just wasn't worth it? The dark part of me of course expects that it was both. The optimistic side of me likes to hope that she still loves me, or at least could again, and the real problem was something wrong with me, something that i could fix. The only problem is figuring out what, figuring out how to fix it, and then convincing her to reevaluate me.
 
 
Current Mood: lonely and depressed
Current Music: Collective Soul - Why pt. 2
 
 
 
Dalton Graham: hermionedaltong on July 11th, 2004 01:17 am (UTC)
You already know this, but...
FWIW, if you were here tonight, I'd give you a big long hug.

I wish I could get to know you IRL. I'm sorry you're going through this. It sucks.
Iyindoiyindo on July 11th, 2004 10:41 am (UTC)
worth alone will not sustain a relationship, and neither will love alone. and if people knew the magic formula for balancing these things, i'm sure we'd all be better off... but alas. i don't think you serve yourself at ALL by wondering: Was I worth it? Did she love me? Can I fix what's wrong with me?

i mean, all of those questions are quintessential dumpee questions... and they fucking SUCK because of it. those of us who have been dumped by someone we were really in love almost have no recourse BUT to ask ourselves those questions. but the fact of the matter is it's hard to find two people who will work well together for an extended period of time. as vague as this sounds, sometimes things just don't work out. it doesn't mean there's anything wrong or unworthy about either party... it's just that they've stopped jiving they way they used to for whatever reason... desires change, needs change, etc.

i think you should worry less about what caithris is thinking, feeling and concentrate more on rebuilding your relationship with yourself. in other words, when you have strong self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-love again... those qualities will radiate and you'd be surprised how many people are attracted to that.

you are both lovable AND worthy. and for all you know, caithris's decision now could be opening the space for a new and even greater reciprocal love to enter your life. i know that's hard to imagine now... but i really do believe in that. (Mostly because I've experienced it.)

try to guard against cynicism. it doesn't pay off in the end. and don't worry about whether or not you are or have been a doormat. quite frankly, i think all of us have to be a doormat in a relationship at least once in our lives. it's how we learn to start defining our boundaries and just what we're willing to take. i've been a doormat on more than one occasion! but anyway -- the point is that your a sensitive, kind, compassionate, generous, and deeply emotional person. and those are blessings... but they also make it easier for you to become a doormat on occasion. because not everyone understands or respects or handles such rare beings with the appropriate care. furthermore, people who mishandle such gifts don't often know just how much pain their actions cause. that just is what it is, but if you let such mishandling make you second guess yourself or start to close off... you are the only one who will suffer.

i know it's hard, but remain open. be as kind to yourself and you would be to a good friend who was going through the same thing. nurture yourself. and above all else, keep reminding yourself -- even when everything you feel goes contrary to it -- that you are beautiful and future loves await.

iyindo