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06 September 2002 @ 05:44 pm
What do i want?  
Trying to figure out what i ideally want in an SO.

cute
smart
geeky
curious
emotionally available
relatively close to my age
Interest in or desire for the following is all good:
science fiction and/or fantasy
anime and/or manga
video games and/or PC games
role playing games
sex
snuggling
sleeping together
roller blading
going to clubs (especially goth clubs)
into music (as long as they're not into rap, and preferably not _primarily_ foccused on classical or country or r&b or such =)
hiking and/or camping
Being tomboyish is good, or at least i don't really like dresses as everyday apparel
jeans are good, pants are good, shorts are good
t-shirts are good, flannels are good, tank tops are _really_ good
tennis shoes and birks and boots are all good, high heels aren't really appreciated
Left leaning politics are good. Or at least something that isn't conservative. We can figure out what to do after the revoultion as long as both of us agree that things need changing :)
not very religious, or at least not in a very christian/jewish/islamic way, any other religion which isn't followerd in a fundamentalist way would probably be acceptable. Spirituality or atheism are far prefered over dogmatism.

Not all of those are things i currently have much experience with myself (haven't gone camping in about six or eight years in particular) but they're all thing that i think are attractive or fun in a girl.

And in the random section, i have a kind of love/hate relationship with a lot of negative things:

depression or other mental disorders
cutting or other forms of self-mutiliation
long term medical complications (such as diabetes or severe alergies)
traumatic pasts

All of those things can clearly have a negative impact on someones life, and on any relationships they are in, and ideally i'd rather not have to deal with any of those negative effects. However whenever i encounter someone with one or more of the above i feel a certain amount of sympathy towards them (and sometimes some bonding as well, depending on the particular issue) and feel a strong desire to help them and take care of them, which can often lead to stronger feelings such that i no longer care about the negative aspects of the condition(s).


I'm trying to think if there's anything i forgot, but i can always edit and add in more later.
 
 
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
 
 
 
Patriciatrysha on September 7th, 2002 12:47 pm (UTC)
critique
If you were putting this in a personal ad, first off - drop the physical requirements.
She must be cute, and must dress like this, those sorts of things make you sound very very petty. They really are only apropos for a "seeking sex" type ad.

Because, reallly, do you want a fashion doll that looks a certain way, or do you want a friend.
I seem to recall that you were interested in me and i'm not tomboyish, in fact i'm the most femmy dressing of all the girls here in boston (that are part of my social group/the dap social group).

If you are seeking a relationship - friendship and common interests go a very long way, even if they aren't the most important thing. Besides, do you want to shrug off a potential girlfriend who is into exactly everything that you are into - merely because she is overweight or because she likes to wear dresses?

I'd reword the religious section - and merely state that you would prefer someone with a subdued spirituality or even an atheist. I know lots of Jewish and Christian people who believe in their faith, but it's not dogmatic, and not really an overriding aspect in their lives.

What does "emotionally available" mean?
DonAithnendonaithnen on September 7th, 2002 06:15 pm (UTC)
Re: critique
Note the subject, "What i want," not "What i expect to get."

This is not a personal ad, this is me trying to figure out what i want. If some girl stumbles across it and says "hey, i fit most of this stuff, maybe i should say hello to this guy," that would be great, but it's not what i'm expecting.

I've done quite a good job falling for people who don't match even half the items on the list, thank you very much. I've never met anyone who matches all the elements. However i've found pleanty of people that i have cared about, and been _rejected_ by most of them.

I wonder if there's a girl out there with the exact same list feeling incredibly frustrated, or if i'm just unique.

As long as i'm going to be dreaming the impossible dream, i damn well might as well go ahead and dream the most perfect dream i can.

Oh, and i don't necessarily want someone who is subdued spirtualy, just not someone who is a fundamentalist about any particular dogmatic religion.

And emotionally available would mean that they could actually fall in love with me, rather than "oh, you're really nice, whoops! found someone better! bye!"
(Deleted comment)
Sister Atom Bomb of Courteous Debateakiko on September 10th, 2002 01:59 pm (UTC)
Re: critique
I think by "fashion doll" she meant a person who looks a specific way/ dresses a specific way/ acts a specific way, rather than a fashion slave.

I also think Trysha has a point, and I agree with it.
DonAithnendonaithnen on September 10th, 2002 03:06 pm (UTC)
Re: critique
Which point?

Do you think that i don't find enough people attractive? Or do you think that i should be dating people i don't find attractive?

And as pointed out before, this is a list of ideals, not a list of realities. Do you now think that i haven't been falling for enough girls because i've been waiting for one to match the list perfectly? Last i heard you were critisizing me for holding on to people that barely match any of the list and that you felt were bad for me.

And given what i know about you and ben, i would say that if you were to make up a list like this that he probably matches it far more closely than anyone i've ever dated matches mine.

Sister Atom Bomb of Courteous Debateakiko on September 11th, 2002 06:05 am (UTC)
Re: critique
I would say that the list of 'ideals' is so specific that you're almost setting yourself up for finding the Perfect Mate. I would think that the List is too restrictive (things like 'must' rather than 'preferred').

(Oh, in regards to "oh, hey, you're cool. Ooh, found someone better. Bye!" that's pretty much how serial monogamy works. So you may mean by being "emotionally available" someone who is willing to 'settle down' or be in a long-term committment.)

If I had my list of Ideal Guy, he'd be totally bi, have gorgeous hair, never go bald or grey, and be very pretty. He wouldn't fidget or procrastinate, and he'd be able to remember things for more than about 30 seconds. Ben is none of those things. He has nice hair, but he doesn't take quite good enough care of it for it to be gorgeous.

Basing whom you fall in love with on a laundry list of superficial traits just doesn't strike me as good.
Sister Atom Bomb of Courteous Debateakiko on September 11th, 2002 06:24 am (UTC)
Re: critique
I would say that the list of 'ideals' is so specific that you're almost setting yourself up for finding the Perfect Mate.

that should read ... for *never* finding ...
DonAithnendonaithnen on September 11th, 2002 01:19 pm (UTC)
Re: critique
Oh my god! Look! She has a list! She's petty and superficial! You know with a list like that you're never going to end up with someone! ;)

What good is a non-specific list of ideals? Besides, i think "cute" is pretty darn unspecific. There have been quite a wide range of girls who i have thought were cute. I could list all the things i find cute in girls, but that would be a very long and self contradictory list.

And like i said, like you quoted, these are "ideals." They are what i'd ideally like to find, not a requirement list that i start checking things off of when i meet potential candidates. If any checking off occurs, it's more of a "woohoo! this girl is even better than i thought!" type reaction as i find out what she's interested in, not "damn, she failed that one, need to start looking for a new girl."

Did i seem to have any problem falling for Morna or Kialyn or Futuregirl? How much do they fit the list? I'd be suprised if they even got 50%. Yet who was it that dumped who, and who was it that was hung up on the person that dumped them after the fact?

Sister Atom Bomb of Courteous Debateakiko on September 11th, 2002 01:29 pm (UTC)
Re: critique
Heh. I don't have a list, really. I just came up with a few of Ben's traits that bug the heck out of me and being totally bi (because, well, I like boys who like boys.)

I don't remember if I said anything about non-specific ideals. But I prefer personality and mutual interests over appearance, though an appearance I find appealing will certainly help me want to talk to that person. But a pretty face may hide an ugly heart. *shrug*

Did i seem to have any problem falling for Morna or Kialyn or Futuregirl? How much do they fit the list?

No idea. Considering that I've never met 2/3 of them, nor even seen pictures, and I know next to nothing about any of their interests, hobbies, etc, I can't answer that question.
DonAithnendonaithnen on September 11th, 2002 02:51 pm (UTC)
Re: critique
Um, yes, personality and mutual interests are primarily what i'm concerned about too, notice that in teh entire list only one item applies to appearance. The rest are interests that i would like to be mutual, or personality traits that i'm interested in.

Well like i said, i'd be really suprised if any of them even matched 50% of the stuff in the list. All three are smart, geeky, and cute, but after that it rapidly starts dropping off.
girl scout: chibi chibisakurayasha on September 15th, 2002 03:53 am (UTC)
Re: critique
Mmmmm, ideal guy, I actually think it's kinda cute when guys fidget, but the rest is up to par, Bi guys are hot, and I still haven't figure out why.
Sister Atom Bomb of Courteous Debateakiko on September 15th, 2002 08:51 am (UTC)
Re: critique
Ever hear of yaoi or slash? :)
girl scoutsakurayasha on September 15th, 2002 03:23 pm (UTC)
Re: critique
Yeeeeeeees
in fact, I was just watching yaoi anime at Wraiths house, and and and there was this bad guy ranting about
"Oh Takeo, you were the most beautiful creature on earth. Why did you leave me? I can't live without you. I can't. I wont. I'll come to you Takeo, but I have some unfinished business, for those who were blind to your greatness. They must PAY. They must pay for their ignorance, their lack of appreciation. Why couldn't they see why they should have worshiped you?! Ignorant fools ::evil chuckle::
They will suffer horrible pain. Yes that's it! They will suffer with pain and more pain and suffering and pain and pain...!"
then he goes into high pitched histericle laughter,
and he made a pritty gay male in a test tube, and he was HOT
(Deleted comment)
Sister Atom Bomb of Courteous Debateakiko on September 11th, 2002 06:23 am (UTC)
Re: critique
I think I explained your first point in the response above.

I don't think they're mutually exclusive, and I don't think that's how T worded it. If you look for someone based on traits X, Y, Z, Q, R, W, and B, you may find that person physically attractive and to have some mutual interests, but otherwise the most appalling person you've ever spoken with. But if you look for someone as a friend - finding hir through a mutual interest group - and not demanding that zie be X, Y, Z (etc), you may find that person nice to hang around with - even potential date material, even if certain criteria are not met. And, of course, the converses of both hypotheses may also be true.

Yes, some desired characteristics have more weight than others, and if said friend doesn't match the most important one(s), you'll have to decide whether or not it matters - whether the other traits make up for it or not.

I believe strongly that attractiveness has more layers than the superficial. Attractiveness (to me) has a lot more to do with personality than with hair color or length. (Though hygiene is very important.)
DonAithnendonaithnen on September 11th, 2002 03:08 pm (UTC)
Re: critique
Yes, some desired characteristics have more weight than others, and if said friend doesn't match the most important one(s), you'll have to decide whether or not it matters - whether the other traits make up for it or not.

So i'm failing to see why trying to quantify which chracteristics i'm interested in is a bad idea. If i meet a cute girl who doesn't like anime, how am i supposed to know if her other positive traits balance that out unless i know what other traits i'm interested in?

But if you look for someone as a friend - finding hir through a mutual interest group - and not demanding that zie be X, Y, Z (etc), you may find that person nice to hang around with - even potential date material, even if certain criteria are not met. And, of course, the converses of both hypotheses may also be true.

Theoretically i could meet someone who shares zero of my interests, we could get along great for some reason, fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after. However that's fairly unlikely. Like you said with mutual interests, it helps to try and get to know people that you suspect may have something in common with you. So there's a list of a lot of the things i either think are attractive, or indicate possible shared interests. If i saw a girl in the science fiction section of the bookstore i might try hitting on her. If i saw a girl in a gameing store i might try hitting on her. If i saw a girl wearing boots and jeans and a tanktop i might try hitting on her. If i saw a girl at an anime showing i might try hitting on her.

In reality of course i'm a shy coward and wouldn't hit on any of them, but if i were going to hit on someone those would be the kinds of people i would do it with.

The girl in the dress with lots of makeup on who doesn't look very cute and is reading a fashion magazine i'm not going to hit on. Maybe appearances are deceiving, and she's actually perfect for me, but i can't hit on every single female i see! I need limit the field _somewhat._ If she wanted to come over and hit on me, fine, i'll talk to her and see how things go. But otherwise i'm going to focus my attention on the type of girls that i expect might be a good match.
girl scout: star gazingsakurayasha on September 9th, 2002 02:21 pm (UTC)
*Ahem*
lets go down the list...I am
cute
smart
geeky
curious
emotionally available
relatively close to your age (what's relative anyway?)

I have Interest in or desire for the following :
science fiction and/or fantasy (bolth)
anime and/or manga (bolth)
video games and/or PC games (bolth)
role playing games
sex
snuggling
sleeping together
roller blading
going to clubs (especially goth clubs)
into music (as long as they're not into rap,--well, I like eminem-- and preferably not _primarily_ foccused on classical or
country or r&b or such =)
hiking and/or camping
Being tomboyish , Dresses are only for special occasions
I wear jeans , pants , shorts
t-shirts,flannels, tank tops
tennis shoes and boots are all good, high heels hurt (Ooowwy!)
Left leaning politics are good. Or at least something that isn't conservative. We can figure out what to do
after the revoultion as long as both of us agree that things need changing :)
and I'm Pagan ::nod::



I use ta camp as a kid, I'd like ta go again someday.

And in the random section,

I don't believe I have depression or other mental disorders
Pain is bad
I believe I have arthritis (gotta see a doctor) *Mah sigh*
traumatic pasts (erm... *blush* yeah, I got one a those)

Sister Atom Bomb of Courteous Debateakiko on September 10th, 2002 01:57 pm (UTC)
Re: *Ahem*
Sweetie, Geoff is 27. You're 18, according to your profile. I think he'd prefer someone closer to his age - like a college graduate?
girl scoutsakurayasha on September 10th, 2002 05:14 pm (UTC)
Re: *Ahem*
Vile being! Back! Back I say! Back to the nethers from witch ye came! Damn ye! May fire and Brimstone and little pink bunnies rain down upon thee! And may all your children be as ugly as Harpy kin! How dare ye say such a blasphemus thing! age cannot interfear with the yearnings of a young girls heart! I spit in your eye!
DonAithnendonaithnen on September 11th, 2002 12:27 am (UTC)
Re: *Ahem*
Um, like Akiko said, you're almost ten years younger than me, which i wouldn't exactly call "relatively close" in age.

You seem like a really cool and interesting person, enough so that if you were just three or so years older i would consider making an exception to the +/- five year range that i normally consider to be "relatively close," ben ten years is a lot of difference. Sorry :(
girl scout: star gazingsakurayasha on September 15th, 2002 03:42 pm (UTC)
Re: *Ahem*
Dammit, why can't more people be like 'manda, with a +/- range of thirty years? Or just not have a range at all, *mah sigh*, anything's possible, and the big problem is that with your range, even when I'm 21 I wont fit in it! Feh

*************
CAw CAw! BANG! Oh FUCK! I'm dead!
girl scout: Sailor Vsakurayasha on September 10th, 2002 05:41 pm (UTC)
Gosh
How did you get such negative people writing in your live journal?
I'm not as mean as I sometimes act, I simply enjoy the vocabulary I picked up from some old friends (far more fun then todays form of "cussing")
Sister Atom Bomb of Courteous Debateakiko on September 11th, 2002 06:28 am (UTC)
Re: Gosh
What? I'm a bright ray of sunshine. I bring sparkles, light, and flowers to everyone's day.

Or not. I've always been a glass-half-empty kinda person. (Though, to me the pressing question is "Who drank half my beer, dammit?")
girl scoutsakurayasha on September 11th, 2002 10:29 am (UTC)
Re: Gosh
*blush* I'm sorry, that was me...I didn't know the beer was yours ::tipsy giggle:: once I get ta the fourth glass I stop paying as much attention ta what I'm drinkin'
Sister Atom Bomb of Courteous Debateakiko on September 11th, 2002 12:43 pm (UTC)
Re: Gosh
Hey, you're too young to be drinking beer! ;)